So I may have done the wrong thing moving all my public entries from multiple sources here, to one place. But I am tired of feeling divided in one more way. I wrestle continually with both the urge to compartmentalize and organize my life and the desire to be ONE, to integrate all my beliefs and fully present what is uniquely me.
I have always done this with paper journals
— had periods where I had separate journals for ranting . . . morning pages . . . poetry . . . scheduling . . . lists . . . sketching . . . collage . . . spirituality . . . inspiration . . .
— and had periods when, frustrated, I would buy one giant multi-purpose journal, only to re-fragment at the first signs of messiness or inconvenience.
So, try try again. For better or worse, this shall be my one blog.
Since my goal at this time isn’t acquiring faithful readers (not that I am opposed to it– just not my sole intent), I don’t feel obligated to narrow my focus or establish a niche. I am not choosing just to promote my art, or review movies and plays, or write essays about spirituality, or tell stories, or collect neat things from the internets . . . just to be me . . . which may include all of those things
Another thing I may as well confess to– as though it is not plainly obvious — is that I am not very disciplined.
Looking through my archives I see many attempts to present a “united front” or “appear professional” for no reason really. Without natural discipline (which I do not possess) or intent (which don’t have for this blog *right now*) any sort of “weekly” or “daily” whatnots are doomed to fail as they have in the past. While I am interested in what it means to be a blogger who cares about hits, and branding, and maintaining a readership– I am not necessarily ready to BE one right now.
So instead of posting “this” one day and “that” the next,
instead of lining up “guest bloggers” when I need to be MIA for too long,
instead I am going to try what I never have– be me and be okay with a promise to write as frequently as I can and want to.
If I set unrealistic expectations for myself I will retreat. (One more version of “If I can’t do it right, I won’t do it at all.” or “When I can say this perfectly, I will speak.”) All of those messages have kept me silent or inactive far too often.
I have finally decided I would rather be a bad blogger than never post out of self imposed hesitation, fear or shame.
So I guess I am happy I moved my past here to meet my present and future after all! Maybe someday I will tidy up old entries — reformat, tag, etc. But for now they can stay as they are in celebration of starting fresh in the middle of what feels like a mess!