the uneasy feeling persists


It’s okay though.
I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
This computer drama has put serious stress on me,
but it could be a blessing since it has taken all my energy
and forced me to focus.
School is just a job.  I’m out of funding right now at the non profit.
I need time to see people and relax.  Luckily I have made some plans.
It’s different though having all friends that require planning now.
Mostly I need to stop missing what I never really had to begin with.
Admitting you continually made decisions which contributed to your own pain is difficult!

So I am being extra cautious.
Meaning that since I decided to completely wipe the desktop clean,
I am making a second backup of all my pictures.
They already exist on the 2nd partition but I was afraid I would screw something up.
So, I am archiving them now.
To the tune of 2 hours!  ugh.
I’m not sure it’s worth it.  It would be someday if I messed it up.
But right now I am thinking about how I’d rather forget more than half of those memories anyway!
(Especially since it’s like life review while I sit here watching the dates and titles zip past as they compress.)

If anyone needs to know just how silly I am, I could tell them about how I am using the closing of RENT
as psychological mending.  It’s true. lol.  In fact, I am going to Pittsburgh tomorrow to see Anthony Rapp’s
show, Without You.  It’s based on his book and chronicles the history of the musical and his mother’s death from cancer.
The OBCR of RENT was released when I was struggling with my first adult relationships– the first “friends as family” I had discovered.
I never was obsessed with the show, but it has presented itself in my life periodically ever since, often very appropriately.
It’s themes are ripe right now and I am ready To deal. To accept grief.  To let go.
And most of all to feel whole again.  Even for a few minutes.  I think this experience can bring me a little of that joy and satisfaction.
So yea, it’s like a creepy little funeral for all the pain in the last dozen years of my life.
I got Ish.  It’s true.


4 thoughts on “the uneasy feeling persists

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