I only have a few minutes online,
but I feel like I can breathe again.
Just being down is really pointless–
hitting rock bottom might actually get you somewhere!
Luckily I have a job that puts me in contact with people everyday who have
bigger problems than I have ever known, and who live in circumstances and with deficiencies
I will likely never endure in quite that way.
Often, that is enough to give me perspective.
We opened and closed the show quickly enough.
It was, by most measures, a success.
But it felt a little like emotional molasses.
After reminding myself that it almost didn’t happen,
and that the reasons I forced it to completion were goal based, I felt better.
I worry sometimes about my ability to follow through on projects so I wasn’t
keen on giving up for my sake as well as for others who at that point may have become invested one way or another.
So with a couple days of tidying up loose ends and solid reflection,
I realized that my biggest difficulty wasn’t with my newest friends, or my dearest friends.
I chose to try to overcome fears of abandonment and jealousy that may have been unfounded had I just let them run their course.
But I put myself in close quarters with a situation that I had no idea would be so difficult for me to ignore.
I expect to not to be affected by certain things, but sometimes I change in surprising ways!
Mostly I find myself weakened in new places as I age.
I actually don’t have anything useful to say on the matter–
just that if you ignore something, it will pop up somewhere else.
I ended up being hurt twice by a person I didn’t think was capable of wounding me.
And in the process I allowed my reaction to that to damage a friendship with one of my favorite people on this planet.
I’m pretty sure I annoyed the shit out of a couple others as well.
Or so I assume. For once I was actually not having any issues with people when they took flight.
I accept my mistakes and my condemn my own idealistic need to try correct them– especially since we all act in ignorance of other people’s realities. But I’ll be okay. I always am.
I’m just sad and more aware of my own foolishness than ever.
“The best thing for being sad is to learn something.” — Merlin
So, I have been reading a lot.
And then, something happens to put your own personal mind wanderings into perspective.
Reflection is interrupted by a need for action.
We found out that an immediate family member has been sick for a long time.
And didn’t bother to tell us. She didn’t want to worry us.
So back to hitting rock bottom…
Somehow I feel lighter.
I think it’s because I was made to confront the ugliest and most beautiful parts of myself in the past few days.
New ugly pieces that I hadn’t seen before, and beautiful pieces that I had absolutely forgotten existed.
You can’t prescribe people’s actions and reactions. In the absence of people I have grown to know are within arms reach,
I have had a surprising number of strangers reach out to me with a strange knowing. People I myself have neglected have called to
tell me things they thought would “brighten my day” not knowing it was already dark.
Things do happen for a reason. They simply must.
I will get strong again in the weak spots.
And as stuck as I feel, as much as I would like to escape this moment,
living in it will catalyze me in the future.
I take lots of risks. Sometimes they are physical or experiential, often they are emotional.
Usually they require pain. Always they are worthy in some way!
I was reading earlier about a woman who was asked if she regretted taking on a difficult experience in her life.
She wanted to say, no. But there were times when she already had feelings of regret and would be lying to deny them.
Mostly she believed that in hindsight, she would have not thought she could have endured the experience.
But she said “That’s how we get wise, by taking on in ignorance the tasks we would never later dare to do.”
So did she regret? “No. Yes.”