worries and wishes


I just can’t compose on a computer anymore.
That sucks.
I lose thoughts because I can’t write quickly enough–
but when I sit at a computer, they don’t come to me at all.
I just get frustrated memories of things I already thought about wanting to write.

So, I am just going to have to keep typing until what needs to get out finds a way.

People graduated. Some are leaving. A few just relocated locally. Some just returned. Most have jobs.
Summer is always a different dynamic. It just is. Usually things change for the better.
I mean, more free time, how can you go wrong?
But somehow everything seems different and gross in such a wrong way already.
Friends are suspicious of one another, forgiving for the wrong reasons, creating more drama as usual by not wanting to get involved.

I don’t want to be a problem. I promise. I have tried to be nothing but a positive force in the lives of people I care for, but that isn’t always the way things seem, I suppose.

The problem is I love the friends I have. But I don’t miss the “who all’s there?” dynamic. Or the whenever you are with one person
bash the other phenomena. Or the indirect not answering the phone or ignoring texts.
It just seemed like everyone was growing up; but I fear we are on the cusp of a relapse.

When I was part of a larger social circle before I didn’t have incredibly strong or close relationships with any particular people.
Now I do. Which is more to lose when the inevitable damage is dealt.
And I fear no one is really strong enough to resist the temptation to speak ill of their best friends and lovers,
much less defend the people they care for.

I just want someone, anyone, everyone to assure me that efforts will be made to strengthen bonds in healthy,
non toxic ways!
That’s so not gonna happen, but a girl can wish. . .

I have a feeling that despite the grief of losing my grandmother a year ago, I am going to end up missing the intimacy of last summer when things get out of control. I’m gonna want to go back to chalking, walking, and shopping out of town, and looking at the stars, and picnic-ing at the ampitheater.



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