Who else?

Standard

Are there other people who have friends and family who love them . . .
you know this . . .
yet you have no one to talk to?
no one willing to hear your grief, share your dreams, just for fun,
and without judgment?
I am certain I am not alone feeling this way.

But it makes me feel ungrateful.
And I don’t mean to diminish.
It is not that I have never had decent conversations with the friends I
have right now. It’s just not consistent
or something I can request.
And the people for whom this was second nature–
who loved hearing me ramble, who asked questions,
who would spill every detail of their lives as far back as they could remember–
they are far away. Removed from the life I live now.

I even miss jumping around like a fool,
telling stories to strangers in movement workshops.
Being grounded. I miss having someone lay there
hand on my shoulder and leave it there until
my breathe became even and deep once again.

I feel like my breath is fast and shallow.
I am so anxious when I do talk that I think
I have forgotten how to express what I really feel.
So I stay quiet. Or my speech is to benefit someone else.
I focus on others. I apologize for existing.
I get hurt and console the source of the pain.
Radical insecurity has not ever been part of my
existence. I don’t like the doubting and uncertainty.
The lack of trust.

Dear World,
Tell me you’ll listen. Tell me I can trust you.
Tell me you aren’t leaving.
Even if you are lying, I will feel better.
And dealing with betrayal would be a welcome change
to the feelings of insignificance and invisibility.

I could open my mouth to scream
and moths would fly out.
I wish my soul were less attic-like right now.
It’s sooooo not fitting with the season!

I guess I just had a bad week
and the people I do have had genuine preoccupations.
And so it goes. This too shall pass.

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5 thoughts on “Who else?

  1. 1. How do you feel that your religious/spiritual relationship with God affects your daily outlook on life?

    2. How do you feel your balance between idealism and cynicism about people and events measure out?

    3. What are you most looking forward to in the next 4-5 months?

    4. How do you feel about hugs and hand-holding?

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Who else?

Standard

Are there other people who have friends and family who love them . . .
you know this . . .
yet you have no one to talk to?
no one willing to hear your grief, share your dreams, just for fun,
and without judgment?
I am certain I am not alone feeling this way.

But it makes me feel ungrateful.
And I don’t mean to diminish.
It is not that I have never had decent conversations with the friends I
have right now. It’s just not consistent
or something I can request.
And the people for whom this was second nature–
who loved hearing me ramble, who asked questions,
who would spill every detail of their lives as far back as they could remember–
they are far away. Removed from the life I live now.

I even miss jumping around like a fool,
telling stories to strangers in movement workshops.
Being grounded. I miss having someone lay there
hand on my shoulder and leave it there until
my breathe became even and deep once again.

I feel like my breath is fast and shallow.
I am so anxious when I do talk that I think
I have forgotten how to express what I really feel.
So I stay quiet. Or my speech is to benefit someone else.
I focus on others. I apologize for existing.
I get hurt and console the source of the pain.
Radical insecurity has not ever been part of my
existence. I don’t like the doubting and uncertainty.
The lack of trust.

Dear World,
Tell me you’ll listen. Tell me I can trust you.
Tell me you aren’t leaving.
Even if you are lying, I will feel better.
And dealing with betrayal would be a welcome change
to the feelings of insignificance and invisibility.

I could open my mouth to scream
and moths would fly out.
I wish my soul were less attic-like right now.
It’s sooooo not fitting with the season!

I guess I just had a bad week
and the people I do have had genuine preoccupations.
And so it goes. This too shall pass.

5 thoughts on “Who else?

  1. 1. How do you feel that your religious/spiritual relationship with God affects your daily outlook on life?

    2. How do you feel your balance between idealism and cynicism about people and events measure out?

    3. What are you most looking forward to in the next 4-5 months?

    4. How do you feel about hugs and hand-holding?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

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