Where have I been?


Lately I have been doing things that make me feel good.
Being parts of me I had somehow forgotten.
And some of it I suspect is just noticing more.

Yesterday dad came over to bring some furniture to me.
How many people have really cool parents and
recognize just how awesome they are?
I mean, in addition to being a great dad,
he is so interesting. Sounds lame, maybe.
But I just plain like my dad.
And there are plenty of people I love, but don’t necessarily like.

And then today, I just couldn’t take it anymore.
I’ve turned a strange corner with my friendships, I think.
I get so frustrated and fed up with feeling like I can’t trust people
and worse, that my friends can’t trust one another.
And it hurts to know that the people you love wouldn’t defend you.
And it’s ridiculous to not know where you stand with people,
but even more ridiculous if you let that keep you
from telling them how you feel.

And I read this by Mindy Caliguire:
“A friendship can become a safe place where you are fully known and unconditionally loved.
It can be a place where your story, including your brokenness, flaws and failures, is known and accepted.
On the other hand, a friendship can also be a place where your story is known and condemned…
Typically, the things that make us ‘unsafe’ with one another are listening poorly, giving advice, trying to fix,
lacking empathy and self-disclosure, rejecting, manipulating, betraying, judging, gossiping.”

Hahaha. Welcome to a very unsafe world.
But the interesting thing was that I was reading Dan Brennan’s blog and his focus
was not on finding and cultivating only “safe” friends, but being wholly inclusive and
sticking with relationships when they may seem unstable.
He quoted Rodney Clapp saying that “following Jesus is not about being safe.”
And that brought all of my musing right into Holy Week.
It made me feel a little better about my own confusion
at tolerating and loving those who ignore or neglect, at best, and, at worse, abuse.

I can’t change other people.
But I hope the people I have been gifted great love for know that it is without condition.
I want to be worthy of their trust.
I try to really hear them, offer resources but not demand they follow my advice,
sit quietly with pain or discomfort until it subsides, share and be vulnerable,
accept them totally, let them be freely whatever they desire,
be honest with and faithful to them, always.

I can do no more than try.

4 thoughts on “Where have I been?

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