This cold is not helping my soul.
The condensation from the damp warmth of my heart
feels utterly frozen.
I have bad days
and days where I am able to remain distracted.
On the bad days I am not well enough to “deal with” anything.
When I have distraction it is too much a relief to want to
think or talk through anything.
Doctors and friends that know and care to ask me anyway are scattered.
Me not dealing with problems head on , me not caring about living
or fighting for things or people I love
is not ME.
My health is getting worse.
The old issues remain unresolved
and new almost-crises keep occurring.
And have I not mentioned I HATE the not knowing.
Well, now there’s more that I just don’t know.
With family and friends I feel like I am, time after time,
taught or asked to be one way
and then ridiculed or despised for it.
It’s a total waste of energy to still have an emotional response.
In my life
I have been funny and I have been very serious,
I have loved for good reasons and against my better judgment,
I have been loved and, worse than hated- ignored or neglected.
I have been health conscious and completely inattentive to my well being.
I have been well and seriously ill as both a child and an adult.
I have been blessed by the most seemingly insignificant moments
and paralyzed by other seemingly insignificant moments.
I have eaten to excess and starved myself to illness.
I have refused to leave the comfort of my home for months
and have roamed like a gypsy.
I have been cradled and pinched,
honored and laughed at.
I have experienced beautiful truths
and been told lies of all colors, shapes, and sizes.
I have been mostly silent.
I have learned to speak, for better or worse.
I have been deemed approachable and unapproachable.
I have cried sorrowfully and sang for joy.
I have done both at the same time.
I have longed to be known
and then hidden myself from everyone.
I have never been more content with life,
or more frustrated with myself.
I could go on.
Or I could stop forever.
I suspect these things make me entirely me, like no one else.
And at the same time, simply human, and exactly like all of you.