just a regular, old-fashioned rambling list post

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Last night I couldn’t get myself away from the internet to go to sleep.
Tonight, when I don’t have to get up tomorrow morning,
I am sort of “forcing” myself to post, but not in a bad way.
I just know that if I only write when I am truly compelled to,
it is that much less representative of my actual life.

First off– I am freeeeezing at the moment.

Watching a History Channel program on Stalin? GEEK, anyone?

Grape kool-aid is of the gods.

I have to preach Ash Wednesday. LOL.
Me, kicking off a big religious season. whoo hoo.

Strangely excited about Idina’s crappy pop album.
Glen Ballard! I mean, he did good things for Alanis . . .

I went back into the hospital tonight.
Normal life is now being bookended by sitting vigil.
Waiting.

When I went in last night they had not removed Ruth’s feeding tube or anything.
I believe she was already off the respirator.
They were trying to run tests for pneumonia and put her back on it,
just as the family was making all these decisions.
Today they removed all of her life support.
Her lungs seem to be filling up with fluid already;
They keep having to remove it as it comes up.
Under normal conditions, she could live a fairly long time,
but with this potential illness, I don’t suspect it will be long.
And that might be a blessing because right now it is literally a matter of time.
So, less is better.

The strange thing is that the family told no one but my mother (and by extension my father and I.)
What they have decided to tell people is that she is not expected to live and is in hospice.
It’s their decision to not share details.
But I just hate that there has to be shame around these tough decisions.
They are doing what is best.

In between hospital visits I had a good day.
Stayed up until nearly 4:30am.
Grabbed just a few hours sleep.
I went into work, but mostly did bills.
I only saw one client since I am sick and we are preparing to change locations.
I tried not to answer the phone since I sound like Froggy from The Little Rascals.
Came home and fiddled with ITunes and my IPod.
Rode to Mo-town with Josh’s family to see Movin’ Out–
but also ate at Olive Garden and did some shopping.
I bought a few shirts and sweaters at Target for under $20
and got Benetton perfume at TJ Maxx.
Now I can smell like my Freshman Year of high school anytime I want!

I don’t know if I will be too lazy to write about the show later or not,
so the short of it is–
Why did there have to be a dumb story?
I am really fine with well-lit beautiful people just
dancing the shit out of Billy Joel tunes.

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8 thoughts on “just a regular, old-fashioned rambling list post

  1. But I just hate that there has to be shame around these tough decisions.

    It’s ridiculous that there is. People deserve to leave the world with some dignity, and I don’t think any of us have this burning desire to linger on, suffering tremendous pain. My mom was lucky, all of her doctors understood that basic principle. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call it assisted suicide (and in the end, I’m not really sure if that’s what happened anyway), but the doctors all made it perfectly clear that they would give her as much of any painkiller that she wanted at any time. That’s the way it should be.

  2. But I just hate that there has to be shame around these tough decisions.

    It’s ridiculous that there is. People deserve to leave the world with some dignity, and I don’t think any of us have this burning desire to linger on, suffering tremendous pain. My mom was lucky, all of her doctors understood that basic principle. While I wouldn’t go so far as to call it assisted suicide (and in the end, I’m not really sure if that’s what happened anyway), but the doctors all made it perfectly clear that they would give her as much of any painkiller that she wanted at any time. That’s the way it should be.

  3. one thing you didn’t mention was that it might be ruth’s wishes not to linger on life support. Even then i don’t think it’s anyone’s first thought that it’s a shameful decision to remove life support. and i’m in an anthropology of aging class so i can say there are some pretty wild ways to let elderly die.

    it sounds like you have a lot going on.
    for some reason some of these verses read more like poems than usual. it’s just something different.

    What are you preaching on ash wednesday?

  4. one thing you didn’t mention was that it might be ruth’s wishes not to linger on life support. Even then i don’t think it’s anyone’s first thought that it’s a shameful decision to remove life support. and i’m in an anthropology of aging class so i can say there are some pretty wild ways to let elderly die.

    it sounds like you have a lot going on.
    for some reason some of these verses read more like poems than usual. it’s just something different.

    What are you preaching on ash wednesday?

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