my insides are just all shaky


It’s part sickness, part worry.
And there was a lot of food,
which I wanted to eat and I tried.
But I haven’t been able to eat for days.
I’m in that catch 22 where I don’t feel like eating.
But if I don’t I feel sick, so I try.
And then guess what, I do feel sick.

I’m so focused on keeping “up” mentally,
that I think my nervous system is revolting. lol.

I love my mother and we’re close,
so it was difficult to be there and not be able to be honest.
I couldn’t talk about how much I missed gram.
It’s not like she wasn’t thinking about it,
but I didn’t want to cause her to get weepy.
And I can’t tell her about my health really,
but it’s been obvious something wasn’t right.
And I didn’t want to talk about my friends
because things are odd and she will just
ask questions I don’t have answers to.

So we made small talk about the next holiday
and about our extended family.
And then I started pacing and we left.

Of course part of my upset stomach could have been
MTV rebroadcasting Legally Blonde: The Musical.
It is actually more wretched than I remembered!

But tomorrow night will be good.
If holiday life isn’t going to be warm and fuzzy on its own,
Jordan and I have decided we will manufacture it.
It worked once this week; let’s go for two.

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