I resist change for the sake of the inner child who
I drag about like a rag doll.
And yet I know when the day comes I can embrace,
strongly face, all that comes.
I am haunted by the harsh words and staunch silences
that accompanied the exits of friends I lost this year.
I am surprised by how much damage my presence alone can do.
I am honest, persistent and loving to a fault.
I try anew each time to adjust what I feel may have been most harmful.
The result is always the same.
I am not foolish or weak enough to claim to be a blameless victim
but not ego driven enough to believe I make any real difference.
I wonder if there’s a word for whatever I am — besides “troublemaker.”
I will follow the winds and hope with all my heart that someday
I can settle.
“everything will go back . . . to the way it always was.”
“it is the way it always was.”
And I will continue to sow seeds
for harvests I may not reap.