i have none.
I have never been interested in competition.
I don’t envy people who win things or get their way.
There is complete tragedy for me in this fact.
Before now I always saw it as a virtue.
It kept me from letting money rule my life.
Because that’s what money is for me.
A big game I am not interested in playing.
I don’t lack passion– just ambition.
There are a number of things I love so deeply and have taken the effort to study.
But I have no need to do anything with the knowledge.
And I have no precedent for setting goals.
When goals or challenges are presented to me, I have no problem.
You can check my college gpa or any number of other successes I can claim on that level.
Without the external structure and imposed goals, I lack all desire to complete anything.
I feel like a monumental waste since I don’t particularly lack the ability,
just the burning desire of ambition.
My love for events and places and people and life in general shines brightly enough.
But doing so in one place, with no useful place to put that love . . . I will burn out fast.
I am seeking desperately to figure out how this flaw occurred and whether there is any reprogramming that could be done at this point. lol.
All I know is I will never choose a personal goal over the opportunity to relate to people I know or care about.
Kevin says siblings would have solved the problem.
And that may be true. I’d give anything to have siblings to resent.
Instead I live alone in constant search of some idealized family relationships.
And it has, I believe, ruined any chance for me to have a career, goals,
what other people call a life.
All the chances I have let pass.
I used to read “choose your own adventure” books.
And I would reread them until I knew every possible outcome at every possible turn.
I know it’s a pointless musing–
but what I wouldn’t give to know the differing outcomes of my own decisions.
Each time I avoided fate I wonder what may have come.
And I have been given so many opportunities and wasted all of them.
I’m intelligent, but that has been mostly a painful experience.
I have energy and love to spare, but am clearly not in a position to decide how to distribute it.
Generally, I have had good self esteem.
I was loved. I value what I do have.
Since I got sick a number of years ago, I have hated the body I live in.
A feeling of ugliness and illness has descended upon me like a cloud of ash.
More recently, I am starting to hate what’s on the inside, too.
I feel useless and unloved– most hurtfully to and by myself.
This is very new to me.
And I don’t like it.
I’m not sure what has caused me to give up.
A new round, a battle with my physical being is imminent.
And I am disheartened by the rather constant realization the no one is with you forever.
That relationships for the most part are made to have a cycle of their own, birth and death.
Constancy and a mutual desire for a life long friendship is a rare thing.
I am cursed to desire and hope for something so rare with such frequency,
but am blessed to have had perhaps two friends to have stood a test of the time we’ve had thus far.
Mostly I am just scared to be sick again with no one to hold my hand.
I told two of my closest friends that I might be leaving the country for awhile–
or be mortally ill.
I can’t really say which prospect seemed more exciting to them.
But I certainly never heard “don’t leave” or “don’t die.”
I still love.
I love life for now.
But wish I had the ambition to mold something worthwhile from it to share with the world.
This limited time frame really sucks.
I don’t work well under the clock.
Not that I would have the energy right now to be immortal.