bitter blessings

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Actually, I feel good.
My head is just spinning from the insanity that is life.
Mostly work today has been INSANE.
We are going to have to figure out something regarding helping people with heat.
I’ve spent close to $600 Friday and today helping people with it and it’s necessary but we just can’t function at that level. I’ve got a sign on the door now saying we can’t accept any more applications until next Monday, which breaks my heart.
But I have to discuss this with board members and figure out how we can best use these resources– or find more!

I’ll have to be out of the office at least one day this week anyway now for funeral and family stuffs.

I didn’t write much about the visit last week. I just wanted to let the subject be until she was resting for good. Mark called me early this morning about an hour after to tell us. I can hardly believe she lasted so long after last week. We went to visit on Wednesday. I believe it was her last day of lucidity, as when we arrived the critical care nurse was adjusting her meds to keep her pain free– which basically required a lack of consciousness. She knew we were there, but wasn’t really able to converse at all. The family had made the arrangements at the funeral home that morning after deciding to end other forms of treatment that would prolong her pain.
She started out with breast cancer and fought it for many months. In the last month however there were other tumors in her chest and eventually something caused blood vessels to burst. She lost blood and had a transfusion about two weeks ago. When the bleeding began again they decided not to stop it or replace it — that she would experience less pain dying that way than from the cancer. The day that we visited the external bleeding was steady enough that I am amazed at the four days she has lived since. But I guess in such a sedate state your body requires so much less of everything. My mother was upset of course that she didn’t go sooner when she was more aware. And is upset we didn’t make it back over. But things are as they are.

Though I miss Mark dearly, it was mom who talked most with him on our visit. I spent most of my time with Margie’s husband, Joe. I had forgotten what a sweet funny man is is! But it was difficult. He told me that when they returned from her treatments in Illinois her beloved dog wasn’t behaving right. He was older and definitely sensed her absence and decline. He had just finally died that week. When she returned from the transfusion she walked right past his body. It was hard not to tell her he said, but not necessary to upset her. With the medications, she never asked . . . But they have another dear Italian Greyhound. I fell in love with it. It’s not pretty, but it’s soooo nice.

Then Mark told us that the night before we came Margie asked to watch TV– so they moved her to the couch in the living room. I’m sure it was painful for her and so when it was time to go to sleep she said, “I think I’ll just stay here . . . ” Joe said, “Me, too.” So they fell asleep on the couch together that night holding hands.

I’m trying to even remember the last week. It’s a blur.
I’m sorry for any of you who had to deal with me being out in left field.
And everyone with birthday love and wishes– I’m just now getting to think back and enjoy it all. Thank you.

I have had difficulty making plans for the week, knowing what was imminent.
So now, before Wednesday morning I will distract myself–
most likely still avoiding all the paper grading . . .
After Wednesday I just want to relax.

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