I am requesting that the portion of my brain which controls aggression drop me back into aloof heartless bitch land.
I liked living there.
This sensitive crap has got to GO.
I may need some advice from those of you who feel envious and jealous —
because I honestly couldn’t identify those feelings if they kicked me in the head.
I’m generally a person who is more than satisfied with exactly what I have.
I’m not to the point where I want other people to NOT have things, so that’s good.
This is new. And it’s gross.
Especially since I moved back to the bowels of hell and there really aren’t people here I am dying to become.
But other people have families, and opportunities to perform, study, and see each other without having to work at it.
I spend time with college students which is problem number one, since I loved college. So, of course, I miss the accessibility of those things. Like I said at least I’m not wishing them away for others.
I just need to take a step back before my own lack of self esteem at the moment starts making them feel bad, for themselves or me.
And there are just experiences I can’t share and that’s more than okay. All the school functions and all nighters and tangled webs and gossip and exams and crossed wire crushes and parties with bad lighting . . . lol. Well they are all necessary, and really only have charm if you are in a state of co-misery. I’m in a different place and just need to find a comfortable place to hang out until I find a community I can share.
In the meantime I need to bring back other things in my life.
I must find people to sing and write music with. I miss it. If I have to drive to Virginia every weekend, so be it.
I need acapella singing and folk music and the band and writing and performing for theatre. Not one thing. All of them.
I will go to New York every other month. Period. If my old friends there don’t respond, I will make new ones. I am obviously better at that than maintaining good friends anyway for the most part.
I need to do improv. There are groups I have been invited to join in DC and Philly, but again more traveling since I can’t up and move just yet.
I still don’t know if I could/would want to live life as a professional actor. I have put it off for so long and am not entirely sure it’s best, but from now on, when I schedule auditions in the city, I won’t cancel them. Just for sanity’s sake.
For better or worse, Heidi has been reminded of her place in the world.