I forgot to mention that the whole post I wrote earlier was prompted by an email to a friend where I felt the need to apologize for being a friend “daredevil.”
I wanted to be sure I didn’t terrify someone with my honesty and bleeding heart.
And now is where I stay up ’til all hours to keep tomorrow from coming any sooner.
Heidi is learning to not give her WHOLE self ALL of the time.
I’m not doing so well just yet.
But I spent most of the day in relative solitude.
I think I am going downstairs to make the french toast I promised myself on the way home.
Or not. I’m lazy.
But I did actually cook a meal earlier– couscous with curried chicken and water chestnuts!
And I am generally hating being the queen of analysis lately. . .
Without intellectual busy-ness and problems to solve my family and friends get more attention than they ever wanted!
And when it’s as small a crew as it is right now, I recognize that involves some perhaps undesired focus or social pressures.
So, I write. A lot. I used to be afraid if I didn’t record thoughts that they’d be lost forever.
So, I write. To myself, in my journals, to imaginary people, to friends, to enemies, to institutions . . .
Mostly I make lists of topics I want to write about and questions I want to ask people. Prompts.
But now I know that every thought and feeling– even the “lost” ones–
are still in me growing and building and making me who I am. Bad ones, good ones, all of ’em.
I guess it’s one more reason to always try not to be negative.
Real life friends who’ve been subject to my ramblings know I do this. And if I know you, and haven’t had to pass
you some crazy notes, well, know that somewhere you’ve got a “file.” At anytime I could provide you an inner monologue
tailored to you and the world that’s inside my head. Scary, no?
And sometimes I actually need validation– I just need someone to tell me it’s okay. That freak or not, it’s okay.
Or maybe I don’t, and I just needed to get the poison out of my brain.