I think it’s what is missing. Right now there is just uneasiness.
Also, I have had to keep going and that is too simple for me– to allow my brain to do all the work, let logic rule. Despite the pain of loss and the strange new patterns in all of my relationships, I have not sought comfort. I have not allowed myself to be comforted. Not that I know where I would go for that, but it’s true. It is also the function of not having funeral services, I guess. But I have not stopped to embrace anyone in almost a week. That’s just unorthodox given the circumstances. Maybe the crazy Christian group leader and my mom were right. They always told me as a kid I was cold hearted. Why? Because I wasn’t affectionate and didn’t cry. Regardless of what happens on the inside or behind closed doors . . . if it is what people see, maybe that really is what you are. I guess self-definition is overrated and maybe impossible.
Head, heart, gut?
My head is awhirl, but always in charge. My heart doesn’t matter to anyone, because I don’t let it matter to myself. And my gut just keeps soaking in other people’s emotions (which we see there is no room for expressing) and feeling sick whether I eat or not. It is not fair that God should make me in such a way that I can take in EVRYTHING and release NOTHING.