Though the week (the month actually) has been rough, I feel joy!
My love for SPRING AWAKENING cannot be denied– or even tamed, at this point. My last two trips to the city I have said “see you in july” and then, to the detriment of my bank account, I arrive sooner. I can’t NOT go see these beautiful and talented people in the wake of their Tony Award success!
So, I will get through the next 10 days knowing that my beast of an addiction will be fed.
In the meantime I will continue to feel sorry for myself. Pathetic, I know. Even with the immense seriousness and sadness with the loss of my gram, I continue to bemoan the staus of my relationships with friends and family. I am just in a place where I feel trapped– like I haven’t done anything so wrong and therefore don’t know where to begin, or even if I care, to repair the fractures. Some call to make amends, say they will call back and don’t. Others are present until you need them. Still more pile on guilt trips and lash out inappropriately. A few are nowhere to be found. And I always hate myself in return. Go figure. And normally, I can stay on top. But with the very “real” stress of life and death it becomes more and more difficult to just let it all go and play normal. The not being able to ignore problems just makes the rifts greater and the awkward moments, well, more awkward.
And that is my fault. I must learn to ask for what I need and deal with the consequences if others can’t handle that. I’ve not expected people to read minds . . . but is it impossible to imagine your close friends could look past problems (yours, mine and ours) and be there?
A short list have, and I pray they know who they are. I have told them and I will again.