The stress and frustration in my life has increased exponentially throughout the last month. If I were to chronical the events I would surely have a nervous breakdown. I almost did last week I think, and that was before my grandmother died. So now the world is upside down. But I have to say, it felt like pressure was continually building and having something so drastic occur has finally relieved the pressure. But it’s a strange and uncomfortable sort of calm now.
Grieving aside, I go back and forth between grateful and bitter. Absolutely all of my friendships and family relationships are radically inconsistent and it’s making me nuts. Then there’s the fact that I can’t help but distract myself and I have no one to really make me “check in.” I take that back, Jordan sends me a “how are you doing today?” text every day and it helps ground me. Not that there’s any getting away from either of my two lives for even a second. I live the show at night and time with mother every day. I sleep somewhere from 3-6 hours in between . . .