Today I wrote in my “change” journal. I have journals for every occasion, you know.
It’s a little colorful spiral bound book that says “Embrace Change. Change is Good. Learn To Do It Now. It Gets Harder As You Get Older.” True, true. For example, having lost so many people in your life as you get older, it’s harder to let relationships go.
“Little ‘change’ journal, bring me wisdom. I’ve hurt so deeply this week. And perhaps I’ve been trying too hard to keep things, instead of letting things go. In other words, I’ve been resisting change. Unfortunately, unless a bridge is burnt, I will keep trying to cross it. I think it’s why I desire clear boundaries and drastic change when things go wrong. Without a distinct ending, I easily allow myself to be abused (by others and myself.) Often that abuse is negligence- watching another party not seeming to care as we drift apart. Chinese Water Torture? I say bring on the Guillotine! If there’s going to be pain- I want it quick.
“I did experience some comfort today in the form of conversations with old friends. Ironically, they are friends who I have been estranged with at different times, who by all intense purposes had helped me light a fire to burn our bridges in the past. We needed space at a time when that was only possible through a total loss of access. In some ways, rebuilding the bridges has sucked, but even before rebuilding we found ways around the gaping wounds in the earth which separated us.
“Those talks also reminded me how often I have loved, and lost, and loved again. I am aware that there are so many people in the world to love, and be loved by. Why stand around waiting to be loved or begging others to accept the love you offer? I feel I haven given so enthusiastically a love that has received a tepid reaction. I’m starting to believe I may not be where I am called. So, where then must I take these gifts I have been given? All the rich blessings I have received in the past live in me and wholly desire to be shared, not only with the deserving, but with those willing to take a journey.
“I think so much of Johnny, of his death. I am grateful for the joy of loving him and feel I must not let myself have lost this friend in vain. I must learn from his love of justice, mutuality, and service. Having told him openly how much his friendship meant, how I missed him when he was gone– I learned to create that experience more frequently. I share those feelings. Never would someone leave my side without knowing their worth to me.
“As hurt as I have been recently, I will not regret any expression of my friendship. I just wish I might have been allowed to remain the ally and friend I had intended to always be. It seems there may be a chance at continuing a friendship at some risk. And yet, I may also have to let go the need to force reconciliation. Things happen in their own time. I not only grieve loss, but harbor fear for the repercussions and effects on so many other friendships as a result. Sadly, much of the harm done has not been through any betrayal or single event, but in neglecting to follow through an attempt to initiate healing. That is a crushing blow to Hope.”