if i’d have had a sharp object


surely i would have just hurt myself.
instead i stood in my yard crying and screaming the dogs name.
whoever decided i should spend two hours of my life every day
holding a string attached to another living creature while it takes a shit
is a damn fool.
you can tell me how cute my dog is
how much you LooOOOOooove yours.
but i don’t care.
there is not ONE single thing i like about the dog or being its owner.
if i wanna see the cuteness i’ll get a farking poster.
or dog sit.
but i hate the hours of my life i’ll never get back waiting for this animal
to perform some bodily function.
and i hate that half the rooms in my house reek of piss–
including the bedroom.
and i hate that my husband doesn’t seem to mind any of this.
in fact, he’ll even let the little fucker piss on the neighbors house because
“he likes that corner.”

nothing but indignities.


7 thoughts on “if i’d have had a sharp object

  1. There’s a reason we don’t have a dog.

    I’ve always figured that kids at least do become more independent as they get older and maybe someday even leave home.

    My neighbor has cute dogs so I get all the benefits but none of the responsibilities.

  2. You could use the old working-dog owner/handler’s trick, for getting a dog to shit in the yard now when you want to rather than, say, when you’re on your way to work, or in a board-room meeting with your guidedog distracting all the otherwise intelligent people.

    You take a plain glycerin soap bar and carve little pieces less than an inch long about the size of a PDA-stylus or “julienne” matchstick. Explain to the dog kindly that you are the big dog and will be requiring it to shit on a schedule. Then you tuck one up its ass, and it will shit.
    Praise the hell out of it.
    See how long the operant conditioning takes to
    (a) request it to shit, praise it when it does so on request,
    (b) pull out the baggie of soap-suppositories / shit on request (the “on request is critical for the positive experience to get to happen) / have soap, shit is the natural unavoidable result / get praised sequence

    pissing in the house is not good. A human co-owner of an animal who thinks this is acceptable behavior ultimately means you should find the critter a different owner, one who is willing and able to assume the responsibilities of both being the top dog in the pack and taking care of its needs. Pissing in corners is “territory marking” – behavior with meaning and mastery as intent. If you don’t want to be “owned” by the dog, both of you must equally train it (and effing learng HOW, it’s a learned skill and not something people “just know” or let happen what happens without caring about the effects/results/a house reeking of stale urine) or let the dog go.

    Do not have children with anyone unwilling to coparent even a dog on this simple a level.

  3. Find another owner or crate train the dog not to piss in the house. Unless the animal is sick there’s no reason it should piss inside or take two hours to shit. For god’s sake don’t ruin the dog’s life or yours keeping an animal you can’t stand.

    Here’s how crate housetraining works:

    Dog inside crate/kennel cage/whatever you want to call it. Take dog outside for 5 minutes. If dog does not go, bring inside and put back in crate. Wait 1/2 hour. Repeat. *When* the dog finally goes within that 5 minutes out, it gets 1/2 hour of playtime and then back in the crate. Unfortunately, it’ll take a few days of doing this before the dog gets it, usually, but once the idea is finally impressed upon the dog it’ll be housetrained. Odile was as bad as your dog is until we finally braced ourselves for a week of annoyance and trained her, and she’s never pissed or crapped in the house since. One week of training = five years of being able to love the dog.

  4. PS

    Before anyone accused me of cruelty for crating the dog, let me mention that the dog is only crated when we’re out of the house or at night when we sleep. Dogs are den creatures and like having a little space of their own to retreat to and it keeps her from chewing wires or getting into anything that might hurt her (including our cats) when we’re unavailable to rescue her. Ever since hellweek when we trained her she’ll come up to us and let us know when she needs a walk or needs to run outside to relieve herself. The few times we’ve been delayed getting home from somewhere and she’s clearly needed to go she’s been good and waited for us to whisk her outside right away. Hellweek was worth it.

  5. Having a dog is like having a very young child. Sometimes it’s even tougher. The first year with my dog was very tough… he’s ALWAYS been great about the bathroom thing (only once went inside… the first time he saw and heard the vacuum cleaner, and generally when let out to do his thing, he doesn’t dilly-dally). Instead I had to deal with the chewing thing. Furniture, carpet, roomies’ underwear, remote controls (it’s insane the amount of money I’ve spent on replacement remote controls).

    If you plan on keeping him there are a couple things that may help your tolerance of him. First, crate him whenever you are not directly playing with him/able to keep a close eye on him. This should hopefully curb the pissing in the house thing. Don’t make the crate punsihment, but more of a “house”… especially if you have him sleep there. Dogs won’t piss where they sleep.
    Second, perhaps set up a runner outside, or a stake with a long chain so you can let him outside without having to be out there with him. Make sure the leash is short enough to keep him from reaching the neighbor’s house.

    Good luck, hon.

  6. I am with you. I am sick to death of my mom’s dog who “goes” in the house and will not learn.He also tears things up, steals things, begs food and will steal your food and gets up on everythung.I hate it.

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